Friday, April 29, 2011

The Babysitting Festival.

Oh hey,
I'm back.
I just spent the last two days on a cruise ship of responsibility.
I had the unique opportunity to watch six kids, under the age of six.
Lemme tell ya a few things I learned about life.

I don't know if there's any major significant differences between invisible friends and imaginary ones,
or if there's any correlation between thumb-sucking and hard drugs,

but what I do know is this: kids are just adults that are easily subjected to bribing and like to throw things. Especially tantrums.

Cell Phone is to Adults as
Blankie (geekee) is to Children

Watching Pokemon 4 Ever two times in a row doesn't phase them, and eating grass is O.K.

I had the opportunity to get better acquainted with a girl named Elena.
She has a peanut allergy and the most hysterical sense of humor.
My favorite quotes are as follows:

"I have two caterpillars. One turned into a cocoon, and one's dead."
"Ohh!! Darn the cantalope!"
"I have to tell you something thats a secret.... I needa go to the bathroom, but I need help wiping the brown potty-word off my bum..."
When I accepted she said,
"Kay. The code word hello; I'll say hello when I'm done"
Three minutes later,
"hello...HELLO!!!"

My second favorite kid was Hailey.
She's petite and sweet and has the daintiest little voice. She pet the cat with me and had the biggest smile. White blonde hair, total cuddler. These are their stories.
Just kidding. But seriously.

"I'm allergic to spiders"

I helped her go to the bathroom and she said,
"I hope I didn't get pee on you."
...me too.

We looked at the baby frogs together and I was pointing them out in the acquarium so she could see. I offered to stick my hand inside to make them jump but she didn't want me to. I walked out of the room to check on the others when I hear her tiny little body emit the sharpest BLOOD-CURDLING scream.
I booked it back in there and I was like, "Hailey! Hailey! What's wrong??" still screaming she says,
"THE FROGS ARE HOPPING AROU-U-U-U-ND!!!" and she's running toward me, grabbing me and bawling, trying to get up in my arms.

Guess she's allergic to those too.

Other times I'd lose her. All the girls were watching Ponyo and she was outta sight.
"Haiiiileyyyyyyy"
and I heard a muted:
"...I'm under hereee!"

I knelt on the floor and lifted up the flap of the couch and underneath was little Hailey... petting the cat.

I love little kids.
And I'm way excited to be a mom,
but I think I'll wait for 2014 or so to play that game.

Y'know, let all my friends catch up :P

Today my parents, Max, and Taylor are at the Draper temple doing Xander's temple work finally.
He never got endowed while he was here, and I'm sure he'll be stoked we finally got around to it.

Their session started at seven, and I wasn't invited.
Taylor said he'd make it up to me and take me sometime this June.
I'd say it was a fair trade-off.

What I'm hoping though, is that my parents didn't eat before they left.
Cause if that's the case, chances are they'll pick me up and take us all to Wingers.

I don't wanna sound too hopeful.

Another thing? I really like that Rebecca Black song.
Yeah, it's annoying, and yeah she's a terrible singer,
but everytime I hear the word "FRIDAY" I can't help but smile.
I don't think I'm the only one, either.
I bet if you weed past all the death threats there's quite a few thousand people who just needed a good laugh.
So thanks, Rebecca, thanks.

I decided today that I really love Fox in Socks.
I almost read it without messing up, and it made me wonder why I haven't memorized it yet.
Wouldn't that be great?
Back in Snow's class we had to memorize a poem.
I memorized The Tyger by William something.
Tyger Tyger burning bright,
in the forests of the night,
something something
symmetry.

It was great. but what if I had just gotten up there and Suessed it up??
The vision is great in my head, but it probably would have been really uncomfortable in real life.
meh.

I got an e-mail today.
I won free photography from Bryant wedding photography.
full wedding and reception coverage (a $2800 value!!) all free.
I just have to pay $499 for copyrights.

I may or may not have believed them for one second,
but that's all it took before I found myself here

If they think they can take $2800 from anyone, in return for those photos...

I bet they're really nice people.
The thing that shocks me the most is that allegedly they've been in business for twenty-five years.
Really? a quarter of a century of ripping people off and taking crappy photos??
That's rich.

They're probably really nice though.
I just feel bad.. maybe their portfolio is sorely outdated and they're making beautiful prints now...
Its just so sad. Especially the tacky red gradient and standard script font.
I bet they're great people, just uninformed and grossly misrepresented.
That's all.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

getting caught with a gun.


I got pulled over tonight.
You know it. Racing heartbeat, blinding lights, sweaty palms, crossed fingers.
I thought maybe he'd seen the gun, but really he pulled me over cause my headlight is out. I'm glad he didn't see the kilo of crack in the backseat,
Or my knitting.
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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

ummm

Pretty sure I'm gonna have this look on my face for like a week.
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Monday, April 25, 2011

danger afoot

I had to know this was coming.

After dodging the maturation program in fifth grade, fleeing from uncomfortable discussions, and sneaking under the radar when it came to physicals, I really haven't had much exposure to.. er.. don't make me say it...


human sexuality.

Yeeeesh.
In less than 12 hours I have an appointment.
With the geologist.
Ha, thanks autocorrect, but no..
The gynecologist.

I'm split between excited and borderline mortified.
I love the attention.. but somehow its not quite the same when its... uh...

It'll feel great to check it off my list :)

Afterwards I have a dress fitting, and then I get to meet with a counselor at SLCC.

SuperCuts is a lot classier than it sounds, and they do a far better job than Fantastic Sam's. I had to even out Taylor's sideburns, but other than that he looked much better.

Can't wait to bleach mine next month! It hasn't been done in over a year!

Welp, gotta get a good night's sleep so I can gear up for, uh, THE EXPEDITION.
Don't expect a post about being probed by aliens with MDs.

PS: the last thing I Google searched was: "who is the Gerber baby?"
Pretty interesting story. I liked it. (literally.. not like on Facebook)
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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Things I hope she'll miss when I'm gone.

I left something on the mirror this morning, and Bren confronted me with a very great question.
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cat treats

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Monday, April 18, 2011

phenomena

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Orientation

I went to orientation for SLCC today.
It was something.

I walked in 5 minutes late and they were all out of catalogs... and this skinny sporty blonde girl who couldn't make eye contact with me didn't help.
I stood at the front of the classroom and searched for an empty seat. Everyone there just stared at me. Like I was some kind of spectacle.
I wasn't even wearing the snakes.
I scurried out into the hall where I preyed on a chair in the ED NET classroom. I rolled it in, avoiding the dead fish stares from everyone.
I spoke. Words came out of my mouth. Like, sorry, and 'scuse me, and ....can I just..? sorry..
as I maneuvered my chair to an empty stretch of computer desk.
The girl in front of me came with her mother. She smelled nice, kind of like Irish Spring.
I thought it was a more masculine smell, but I wasn't complaining.
She was LDS. She had a green pen from Institute just like mine. I thought she might have stolen it from me, but then her CTR ring flashed right in my eye.
I wondered if I ever looked LDS to people. Do people look at me and think, "Ah, she's LDS. I know this because she looks artsy but doesn't have tattoos or extra peircings. They might be under her clothes, but she has a lot of clothes on.. so she's modest.."
Do they look at my hand and think, "Oh, it's on the wedding finger. It looks different but I bet she's married"
I think I look young.
I am young... so that explains that...
Orientation was almost dreadful. I'm kind of an overachiever. I mean, I've already looked through the catalog online... and all we did was go over the catalog.
Fifteen minutes in I got a phone call.
It's great that I instinctively put my phone on vibrate... cause
SWEET CAROB RICE CAKES YOU DON'T CARE HOW THE SWEETS TASTE
FAKE PHILLY CHEESESTEAK BUT YOU USE REAL TOOTHPASTE
would have been extremely awkward to deal with.
I hit Decline.
Or Reject.. I forget what it is. DENY. IGNORE. ah..
It was an unknown number.
They left a message.
I knew it was Zion's calling to schedule a job interview.
rats.
As soon as it was over I scored a catalog and listened to my voicemail.
Sure enough, it was Martina. Just like Bishop said.

I hit redial and she answered. I was very confident and cheerful and sounded normal. This is good, you can't really practice something like that. (I practice it all the time. I practiced the benediction all sacrament meeting and I still sounded... messy)
My interview is for this Thursday. I'm really excited. I've always thought it would be silly to be poor and work at the bank.
You can look but you can't touch.
One of the questions on the application asked about my simple math skills.
YES. I'm great at math.
but math in front of people?
"Oh, you want $120 of this to go in your savings account and $80 with you now? Let's see that's $20, $40, $60, $80, $100, $120, $140, $160... wait... hold on, lemme start over.."
eyeroll. toe tap.
The worst is when they help you.
I've worked the register and when customers pay in nearly exact change, it kills me.
They wrinkle their brow as I tap my calculator frantically.. wipe the sweat off my upper lip and avoid eye contact. maybe chuckle. nervously. they interrupt-- "twenty-seven cents. a quarter and two pennies"
"yes. right. is that? yes. sorry about that, I'm a little tired today.."

Something I forgot to mention about Orientation...
When I went to kindergarten orientation my mom held my hand.
When I went to middle school orientation my mom went with me.
When I went to high school orientation my mom dropped me off.
When I went to college orientation I WENT ALONE (art school was different, i'm talking about today here)

I looked around that room this afternoon and thought,
"MAN. Maybe I'd have somewhere to sit if everyone LEFT THEIR MOM AT HOME"
I just wanted to scream at them. LET GO OF YOUR KID. This is college, give up. They don't want you here. Your kid can drive and find the class and put quarters in the stinkin parking meter.
he can. let go.

I watched a boy across the room chew his gum like a cow.
Next to him was his cow mother, chewing the same cow gum.
Their jaws gyrated in unison as their droopy skin hung off their genetically pointy cheekbones.
Her skin was like leather. I thought it was suitably ironic.

I got to my parking spot in time to see something much anticipated.
I'll post the video next.
It's a phenomena we all know occurs, but don't necessarily get to watch happen.

Taylor is sick. Xander coughed on him last night.
Like a good fiancewa I came bearing gifts.
I presented to my darling half a tube of that rancid airborne.
He loves it. Just like peas.

He helped me babysit giant George and Charlie (adorable kids from my home ward I hadn't seen in forever)
and for dinner we had Mac 'n peas. On the side we had sugar snap peas.
He loved it. I had some tums.
That was back when things were hard.

Things are great now:)
We're even on a following-the-rules streak!!

fifty-eight days!!!!

I finished the invitations this morning. I emailed M. from Elegant Wedding Announcements to let her know that my file was 41MB and all three of my email accounts could only send files 25MB big.
She neglected to email back.
I'm crossing my fingers for tomorrow.

It looks so good. and I'm not even being cocky.

I'll probably post it on my photo blog.
and then probably open up my future business to be
TABULOUS PHOTOGRAPHY AND DESIGN.
cause two photobrilliant photoshopped pictures in less than three months?
DA-ang. now I'm being cocky.

I'm so excited to be married, I just can't stand it!
People ask me if I'm nervous, and the answer is no.
not even a little bit!
I'm marrying my best friend. I couldn't have things any better, really.
Life is just good. and I'm so grateful for it.
I'm grateful for this weather and grateful for all the wonderful opportunities I have to celebrate the wonderful things going on in my life.

I wanna make homemade soft pretzels.
Goodnight:)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I can't wait for forever!

I noticed this a few moments ago.

I love when he leaves little notes for me:)

The funny part is... he didn't come over today.
So this note has been here well over 24 hours.

I'd say it was perfect timing.
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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Adult

Mom was right.

"I just don't know how I'll be able to get everything done that I need to get done, I just get so distracted and lazy and unmotivated, I.."

"You will always find a way to make everything work out. One day you just wake up and you're an adult. You get stuff done and you find a way. Not necessarily cause you want to, you just do."

I love my mom. I'd love to make a paragraph now about how she's always there for me and we do everything together and how we're best friends, but right now she's in San Diego, and I'm in the frigid basement that smells like cat pee.

She did invite me to go, sure, but at the time I had prior commitments to Art Institute and simply couldn't make it.

Which leads me to my next order of business.

I broke up with The Art Institute of Salt Lake City on Monday.

I just walked in there, signed the divorce papers and said,
"I love you. I do. But I don't need you to be great at what I do. It's over"

The past few days have been weeeeird.

Yesterday I woke up and applied for jobs until 5:00. Then I burned dinner, edited 47 engagement pictures Kenia took of Taylor and I, researched envelopes for 2 and a half hours and designed my wedding invitations.

Today I woke up and cleaned my room.
Hahahahaha, just kidding.
But seriously.

I thought, "This task is impossible, how can I change that?"

I turned it into a photo project.

You can watch the video here: http://www.tabulousphotography.blogspot.com/
Or here:

After I cleaned I put on a trash bag and took out all three cat litters, showered, and hung out with the fianceswa. (fee-ahn-swah)

One day, you just wake up and you're an adult,

man.