Monday, March 28, 2011

Reality? check.

If you ever wanted to talk to an 18-year old with 27,000 dollars of debt,
I'm your girl.
If you ever wanted to talk to someone with 30,000 dollars of debt... just wait a couple weeks
cause baby this interest is COMPOUNDING.

Today was hard. Part of me wishes I was still in denial so I could actually sleep tonight,
but the other part is glad I'm awake so I can work on it.

Today Taylor looked more stressed and upset than I've ever seen another person look.
My heart literally ached, my whole body trembled, and I LITERALLY looked like a deer in the headlights.

I couldn't even eat a brownie I was so stressed out.

I was so so stuck on what I was sure we couldn't do. It would take us five years to pay off the debt mess we're already in, and forever if I stayed at Ai and continued piling it up.

What do we do?


That's all I knew how to do.

I've never felt so guilty, and selfish, and genuinely frightened as I felt earlier today.

He couldn't even look at me before he left.
"Talk to me.. talk to me"
"I love you"
"say something"
"I love you"
"say something else"
"I love you a lot"
"I have to go"

and tomorrow
I have to go.
I'm driving to Logan to see Paula. Taylor and I left each other on that note.

What am I gonna do?

It's up to me.

I could wallow in my upsettedness and drown in my student debt,
I could remember that I'm incredible.
I'm great at what I do, and I love it.

I can do what I love and get us out of debt. I CAN.
we can.
I know we can do this. I know we need to have a positive attitude to do it, and we need to have faith in the lord. We need to go to the temple and pray about it. We need to figure out how we feel, what we want, how we can do this and be grateful it's not worse. Grateful we're not Japanese.
(not a racist joke... cause Japan sunk or something recently)

I need to believe in me, so that we can believe in us.
So visit my photography page and call me up for a shoot. :)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Loans and Destiny and such.

The other night I layed lie lain lay

I was sprawled out on my bed the other night
pounding out a blog post.

It was beautiful and soulful and great.

I then proceeded to fall asleep on the backspace key and delete the whole thing.

Today things were good... but right now I'm pretty stressed out.
I don't know how much I owe Art Institute, I don't know how much interest I'll have to pay, I don't know when I'll have to start paying, how much I'll have to pay at a time or what's even happening in my life right now.

I just want things to be good. I always just reassure myself and think, "Oh, I'll get to it"
I've been "getting to it" for awhile now, and people are starting to not take me seriously.

I love Taylor so much and I love how smart, realistic, and spiritual he is. I love virtually everything about him. He makes me so happy and I just can't wait for our life together... but I feel like i've been lacking in seriously taking into account how much debt I'm getting us into.
I'm scared.
(and I already went to church)
(that was a way funny rap joke)


I want to figure out where I'll be in five years. I wanna write it down and have something solid to work for.
I wanna reassure myself with my own talents and I wanna amaze people with what I do.

Some people are born to be doctors, some people are born to rescue cats out of burning buildings.
Some people are born to pour their heart and soul into making music and creating beautiful melodies that help the rest of us out (even if the rest of us just download illegal copies of it whenever we want. ruthless, really)
Some people are born to be mediocre,
and I am not one of those people.

I was born to be a photographer.
In my patriarchal blessing it talks about how I will use my certain talents to further the work of genealogy.

How many people have records in the church but no records of what they look like?

No one should have to resort to their driver's license photo for that.

I need to figure out what I'm doing, and I need to take myself seriously.
If I take me seriously, everyone else will.
Taylor will, and he'll understand just how much I'm willing to work to make this work.

I could be the breadwinner. Photography is a great career. I can do this.

It's that quote again, really.

MY greatest fear is not that I'm inadequate, but that I am powerful beyond measure.

I need to believe in me and I need to take a step outside my comfort zone.

I need to stand up for what I know, stand up for myself, and have the confidence to do what I love and earn what I deserve.

I just needed to tell myself all of this.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

the meow game.

I love Novacek. She responds to my lame feline accent.
The first few frames are of my Nutella sandwich with powered sugar. Mmmm:)
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Friday, March 18, 2011


Yesterday I developed a severe distaste for Parker's little friend, "Tay Tay."

Never before have I wanted to wrap my fingers around the throat of a 12-year-old.

School's great. It's final's week next week. Which means I really should be doing my homework right now. Really really. I spent an hour or so at the library this afternoon. It was nice... up until I couldn't even check out my book on tape because apparently $17.50 in fines cancels that privilage.

I deserve it. and now i've learned my lesson.

and it'll never happen again.

I'm kind of poor.

Poor meaning I have money, but I don't feel right spending it.

I need to make a bunch of resumes.
So I can apply for a bunch of jobs. yeeeeshh.

So... there's this lens I want.
It's a Nikon AF-S Nikkor 50mm f/1.4G.

It's an autofocus fixed lens with amaaaaazing bokeh.
It's about $450 before rumors of a student discount...

Mom was like, "Okay, i'll buy it." but she told me to order it NOW when she has money.

Cool. Perfect.

It's out-of-stock.

I've been checking every day and it's still not available.

I need it to take my engagements. and start making my invitations. so we can send 'em next month (or in two weeks)

So that's fun. I'm not way stressed or anything...

I swapped out Franco's fishbowl today for Barksy's old one. I think he likes it a lot. His blue is slowly returning from the fleshy pale he was rocking earlier. He's so fierce. I just love it.

I had biscuits and gravy at Johanna's Kitchen this morning with Kati. I also had a scone, and she had french toast. All of it was very very delicious. Johanna's Kitchen is one of those really delicious restaurants you forget about when you decide to go out.
I highly highly recommend it.

I'm becoming a groupon whore (so to speak)
I have a feeling Taylor and I will be one of those couples that only goes out when we have gift cards and discounts. At least for the first little bit.

Our marriage and family relations/ temple prep classes are amazing. I love going to church with him, and our teachers are wonderful.

Tomorrow we're going to the wedding expo at Thanksgiving Point. Afterwhich we'll be having a 3:00 dinner for Grandpa Park and then promptly coming back here to clean the pantry for... a gracious amount of compensation.

I'm way excited. Maybe, if I stop typing now I'll have time to photograph myself in 8 more situations and get them printed tomorrow night.


Yeah, that's all.

PS: just kidding. I had a dream last night that the moon was swirling around in the sky, and it was huge. It's amazing how much you don't think you know til you master it in a dream- I had my camera on a tripod and I aimed it up at the moon and I noticed the trees were out of focus... So in my dream I manually cranked the aperture down to f/22 and re-positioned my shot. I also dreamed Taylor spent the night next to me, and when he woke up he was shocked and worried and disappointed. Don't have sleepovers with people of the opposite gender if you're not married. It's not okay, and not worth it. Even if you don't do anything. Just no.

PPS: Sarah Lee Soft and Smooth is the softest bread I've ever touched. Seriously, buy it just so you can pet a slice. Especially if you're angry. It soothes you. I swear by it :P

Monday, March 14, 2011

Specimen Pins

Dear Dave DeAustin,

This evening I have plans to type up that four-page research paper on a modern day photographer who uses old-school photographic processes. I have my dude, and I have my music, and I have all my tabs open. I even had all the pie I could, and I switched from contact lenses to glasses.
I'm ready.

So far all I have is the title.

I've been at it for hours.

I just....


Love, Tab

PS: The Kings of Leon are terrible... but that song "Fans" is really really good. My new favorite song is called Bus Stop. It's by Basement Birds.

There's pie stuck in all the cracks on my ring. My cheap one.

David Morrish is way cool. He uses the photogravure processes. I guess that's like coating copper with light sensitive materials, exposing, coating with gelatin, etching, and then making a print off of it. Maybe not quite in that order...

He makes exposures of dead animals frozen in motion.
Locomotive Torpor.

Gross, and incredible.
I love the textures.

I wanna go running so much. I'm kind of excited to hand-tint a photograph also for class tomorrow, but I know it'll be fun, and I have to torture myself with at least half of my essay.

It would be best to pound it out right now,
but it would be easier to wait til tomorrow morning and then hurry and type like crazy tomorrow when I'm all stressed out and shaky.

I love Taylor. He does everything right. And he makes me so happy. He's got a great smile, a great voice, and the best personality.
I've never really been anyone else around him than just me.

I think it's hilarious how on Facebook everyone's always posting things like,
"I'm part of the crowd that actually finishes college and gets a job before getting married. I have my dang head on straight. Ain't that just fine and dandy!!"

If they weren't single, I'm sure they'd have a different opinion. Frankly, I'm stoked out of my mind to be getting married. Sometimes I worry and stress and question my decisions.

That's 3% uneasiness,
and 97% ahhhhi'msoexcitedican'tevenstandit~!!

I'm excited to do our laundry together
(I'll probably actually do it, but our clothes will be together :) )
Go grocery shopping together
Be a coupon-clipping wizard
Wake up beside each other every morning
Go to the temple together
Pay my student loans together
Snuggle up on the couch and watch movies...

I just can't wait. 94 days.

David Morrish is a visual artist with a background in photography and printmaking.....

Sunday, March 13, 2011

This one's not so good

Is it just me,
or is it pretty much always infinitely harder to do something you know you should do?

I discussed flowers today with my cousin, Ashley.
She seemed pretty excited, and confident with what I had decided.
That made me feel better.
Not that I really felt bad or anything.

The cake's gonna cost more than my dress.
It's easy to be drawn to a costco sheet cake... for thirty bucks.

The guest list is a little sketch.
I have friends,
like, facebook friends....
I don't really have a lot of real friends.

I should like people.. but I just

People are a lot of work, and sometimes its just easier to avoid them.
I know I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't judge, and I should be more receptive to the beautiful bits of individuality each person in my life has to offer... but..

I love Taylor. I could spend hours with him and not get annoyed or tired.
He carries this positive aura that charges me.

I do like people. I like the knitting community,
and my friends at school,
and my fiancee's family.

I feel older than everyone my age.
Automatically because I assume I'm taking those weird adult steps.
I'm changing.
I honestly love it.
I don't think I'm too young, I don't think I'm too poor, or dependent, or anything.
High school is over, and I feel like a lot of people just don't get it.

I don't know how I feel about keeping a blog.
I know it's good or something.
I don't know.

This post seems forced.

Things are good. Really.
I'm just tired.

Sunday, March 6, 2011


I am confident that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be in life.
I have the greatest man I know engaged to me, and things are wonderful.
I am cautious when I say this, but... we have had the greatest luck lately.
He got a job, the wedding planning is going smoothly, our living arrangements are better than we could have possibly hoped for, we still haven't had a single argument, and there's nothing really... wrong. At all.
I just can't begin to describe how absolutely blessed we are.
I feel like when you live your life with a prayer in your heart, and faith in the Lord, he definitely directs you toward the path of greatest happiness. He puts things in the way, challenges, struggles, even blessings, because he knows what's best.

I have a really great fish. I bought him for a photo project, and am really surprised at how entertaining he is.
He's a betta, and I've babysat one before, but mine is very different from that one.
He's blue, cost me a dang fortune, refuses to eat pellets, only bloodworms, and I named him James Franco.
I love watching him eat.
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